I Wish That I was Jesse's uhh...Gurl?

So Jon and I have had a packed day. It's 3 in the morning here in Washington, DC... and I must declare the first day of the Country Fried Road Trip a success.

This may have everything to do with the fact that I have had a thousand drinks over the course of the last few hours.

After picking Jon up, he and I took a tour around DC... on Segways:

Afterward, we had dinner...(and maybe drinks...)


...before heading out to the veryfirst gay bar Jon ever attended...

...where I was assaulted in the bathroom by a few drag queens.

These stories (and more!) will be relayed tomorrow, once we are able to coherently tell such tales.

What we need to discuss tonight, however, is a matter of National Importance.

I met my future husband... and his name is Jesse.


I love him. He's kind of like Stifler from American Pie, only hotter. And way, way dumber.

After Jon's first gay bar (Cobalt) we walked into a bar called JR's...

We weren't there for five minutes before Jesse spotted us. I could tell this kid was trouble from the moment I saw him: mainly because of the way he was stumbling toward us.

He introduced himself (although he made "Jesse" sound like a name with eight syllables, so I had to confirm his moniker later on...) and immediately started swearing at Jon. When Jon sort of just blanched at him, Jesse turned to me and wondered why Jon was being so "ssssssssensitive." His jock appearance coupled with his big flamey homo lisp made him that much more confusing and, sadly, attractive to me.

Of course, he was drunk...
...like REALLY drunk....

...and like all self-respecting drunk frat boys, he immediately inquired: "You wanna fight??"

As he said this, I wasn't sure what he was doing. He certainly didn't sound angry... so was he flirting? He was also making this gesture:

Of course, I had no idea what the hell he was doing. Mainly because he's a drunk maniac. Did I mention he was hot?

Because seriously...he was super-hot.

Anyway, turns out, Jesse wanted to Arm Wrestle. Because who doesn't love to Arm Wrestle. At a bar. On a Saturday night at 1 in the morning? It seems as though Jon certainly loves to arm wrestle!


When it became clear that Jesse was somehow getting drunker, despite not having had any drinks since he began to harass us, I asked for a photo of him with Jon...a concept he quite obviously misunderstood:
...as he tried to take some of his own. With is invisible camera.


After I giggled at his hot stupidity for a while, it became clear that it was my turn to arm-wrestle him:

For the record, I let him win--although I'm not sure if he noticed that he won at all, as he was too busy pointing his finger emphatically for several minutes at a time before wondering aloud, "What?"--as if someone had just said something to him, but he was unable to hear it. I told him "It must be tough being pretty. " He concurred.

As I was wrestling with Jesse, Jon was busy fighting off a boy named JR who had a crush on him. Luckily, Jesse was there to be his knight in shining armor by kicking this guy's ass...


...also in arm wrestling.

The bottom line here is that Jesse and I are going to be married by Elvis when we go to Graceland. And I'm not just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails.

...

ok, maybe I am just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE? WANNA FIGHT??