Segways in Motion!

So, as I'm sure you've gathered from Jeff's previous post, Segways are the best thing ever. It is truly shocking to me that more people don't have them (well...it's only shocking until you find out that the lazy person's scooter costs 5,000 dollars).

Besides all of the awesomely unbalanced still photographs you've already seen, Jeff and I managed to capture a few awesomely unbalanced videos of us riding around DC on the aforementioned Segways. (It turns out that operating a Flip Video Camera on a Segway is not the best way to capture the smooth ride of the Segway.)

Sit back. Relax. Take a Dramamine. And enjoy videos like this one:



And this one:



Riding on the Segway during a hot and humid summer day in DC brought us plenty of surprises along the way, including this guy:



After nearly three hours, our time with the Segways came to an end. Our friendly and patient tour guide, Emma, allowed us one final spin...which we just had to document in Shaky/Dark/Hazy Flip-Camera-on-a-Segway Style:



I cannot thank my Father and Uncle enough for inspiring us to see DC in this way. Best. Tour. Ever.

DC Follies

Hey!

Jon and I are currently in DC, about to hit the road again to head to a Mystery Location in Virgina. The location is only a mystery because we don't know where the crap we're going yet--but here's (at least some of) what happened on Day 1 of the Country Fried Road Trip!

As I left Ralph & Tina's house yesterday afternoon (only two hours later than expected) I went to punch Jon's address in Dover, DE into the Navigational System I borrowed from Bookie. Unfortunately, Dover DE does not exist according to the Garmin Nuvi. Useless. I finally got directions from my Blackberry and was on my way. Thirty minutes later than the two hours late I already was.

After some traffic and nonsense, I finally picked Jon up and the Country Fried Road Trip officially began! Stop 1: Washington DC! Of course, the Nav system once again refused to lead us to DC (It wasn't even an option when we listed all possible "Washington" destinations. Seriously, Garmin--It's 2009: Get your shit together.)

Anyway, we made our way into DC amid massive thunderstorms and torrential rains. We seriously almost got struck my lightning. (And by that, I mean we saw some lightning.)

Normally, I like a good thunderstorm, but Jon had booked us into a Segway Tour of DC at the behest of PapaRu (via Uncle Carl) and we weren't sure if being on giant electric people-movers would be a wise choice in the middle of one. Luckily, by the time we checked into the hotel and got to the tour office, the lightning had subsided. The rain, however, did not.

But the tour was going on, come hell or high water. Or both.

Segways--We're Better Than Nature™!

And so, after we put on our helmets...

"Ho...GAN!!!!!"

...we went outside into the pouring rain, where Jon donned the jacket he was smart enough to bring...

...and I was forced to buy...

...a one dollar poncho which, according to some, makes me look like a human condom. Gah.

Our tour group consisted of myself, Jon and six Italian nationals who barely spoke any English. Our guide, Emma, trained us on the Segways which, at first, were kind of terrifying.



But after a while, we discovered they weren't so bad. Emma was a great teacher and a great tour guide! She took us to all the great Washington DC sites. Of course, taking photos while balancing on a Segway proved a little difficult...

This photo was supposed to have Jon and the Capitol Building in it. Not just the building and Jon's helmet and forehead.

This is either the Washington Monument or a giant cardboard paper towel tube.

A blob of Jeff

Hey! He's in focus! Jeff is clearly a pro now!

Luckily, Emma is as good a photographer as she is a teacher, and she offered to take some respectable pictures of your Country Fried Road Trippers:

White House & Nerdy.

While DC is rich in history and Emma did a great job explaining the stories behind everything we saw. The main thing I learned: Walking is for suckers. I need a Segway...

...but I could probably do without the poncho.

I Wish That I was Jesse's uhh...Gurl?

So Jon and I have had a packed day. It's 3 in the morning here in Washington, DC... and I must declare the first day of the Country Fried Road Trip a success.

This may have everything to do with the fact that I have had a thousand drinks over the course of the last few hours.

After picking Jon up, he and I took a tour around DC... on Segways:

Afterward, we had dinner...(and maybe drinks...)


...before heading out to the veryfirst gay bar Jon ever attended...

...where I was assaulted in the bathroom by a few drag queens.

These stories (and more!) will be relayed tomorrow, once we are able to coherently tell such tales.

What we need to discuss tonight, however, is a matter of National Importance.

I met my future husband... and his name is Jesse.


I love him. He's kind of like Stifler from American Pie, only hotter. And way, way dumber.

After Jon's first gay bar (Cobalt) we walked into a bar called JR's...

We weren't there for five minutes before Jesse spotted us. I could tell this kid was trouble from the moment I saw him: mainly because of the way he was stumbling toward us.

He introduced himself (although he made "Jesse" sound like a name with eight syllables, so I had to confirm his moniker later on...) and immediately started swearing at Jon. When Jon sort of just blanched at him, Jesse turned to me and wondered why Jon was being so "ssssssssensitive." His jock appearance coupled with his big flamey homo lisp made him that much more confusing and, sadly, attractive to me.

Of course, he was drunk...
...like REALLY drunk....

...and like all self-respecting drunk frat boys, he immediately inquired: "You wanna fight??"

As he said this, I wasn't sure what he was doing. He certainly didn't sound angry... so was he flirting? He was also making this gesture:

Of course, I had no idea what the hell he was doing. Mainly because he's a drunk maniac. Did I mention he was hot?

Because seriously...he was super-hot.

Anyway, turns out, Jesse wanted to Arm Wrestle. Because who doesn't love to Arm Wrestle. At a bar. On a Saturday night at 1 in the morning? It seems as though Jon certainly loves to arm wrestle!


When it became clear that Jesse was somehow getting drunker, despite not having had any drinks since he began to harass us, I asked for a photo of him with Jon...a concept he quite obviously misunderstood:
...as he tried to take some of his own. With is invisible camera.


After I giggled at his hot stupidity for a while, it became clear that it was my turn to arm-wrestle him:

For the record, I let him win--although I'm not sure if he noticed that he won at all, as he was too busy pointing his finger emphatically for several minutes at a time before wondering aloud, "What?"--as if someone had just said something to him, but he was unable to hear it. I told him "It must be tough being pretty. " He concurred.

As I was wrestling with Jesse, Jon was busy fighting off a boy named JR who had a crush on him. Luckily, Jesse was there to be his knight in shining armor by kicking this guy's ass...


...also in arm wrestling.

The bottom line here is that Jesse and I are going to be married by Elvis when we go to Graceland. And I'm not just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails.

...

ok, maybe I am just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE? WANNA FIGHT??