Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Parade of Horrors

First off, I must apologize for the late-n-quick nature of this post. The creatures I'm about to show you clearly do not want this story to be told, as I've been thwarted with technological difficulties and hostile blogging environments since I began to write this story.

Anyway, after exploring the Shenandoah Caverns on Sunday...

...Jon and I trekked about a half a mile down the road, passing some (what I assume must be) some sacrificial goats along the way...

Goats who, for some reason, live in a place called Fort Earl before they are sacrificed to the Dark Lord.

Help meeeeee.... HELP MEEEE!

...in order to explore the "American Celebration on Parade" exhibit. Basically, it's a museum full of giant, terrifying parade floats from years gone by. Like any good nightmare factory, the horror begins outside:

We walked into the place and were greeted by yet another unenthusiastic "guide" whose soul had clearly been sucked out by these creatures. His eyes avoided ours, probably out of fear that we'd sense his desperation and start asking if he needed our help to escape. Rather than put us at risk, he simply continued with his speech, barely taking a breath as he rushed through it. Neither Jon nor I managed to catch what he was saying, but the general gist of it was "This is a self-guided tour, you can read everything you need to know about these horrible things on the displays... and don't touch anything because it will eat you."

I'm not sure how best to convey the absolute horror that this place exhibits, so let me just take you on this journey with some photos because A: As I look at these pics, I'm too frightened to type and B: The less time I spend talking about them, the safer I feel like we'll all be from their wrath.

As soon as we walked in, I had the feeling we were being watched...


Quickly, it became clear that if we didn't behave, we'd be trapped in there forever, a fate that had clearly befallen our host. If we were lucky, we'd simply be enslaved and have to work there. Of course, if we kept on mouthing off... we'd be locked in at night, when the displays would come to life and maché us to death, incorporating us into their psycho-sinister museum--like the acrobats shown here:


The creatures here were so large...

...and so, so frightening...


...that Jon even tried to ride a float out of the place.
It did not work.

But as terrifying as this museum was...


...and believe me, it was terrifying...

...it was not as bad as our visit to Main Street of Yesteryear, which is described like this at the entrance...

...but can more accurately be described as "Nightmare Factory." This is where they make the things that creep into your mind while you sleep. These animatronic creations are everything you were afraid of as a child...


and, if you're smart...


..are still afraid of to this day.
Because if this doesn't scare the crap out of you...

...maybe you're already dead.

There's plenty more insanity... and I'll post it when I can. But for now, Jon and I are off to Nashville and/or Memphis! Okbye!


  1. The more I see of these things the more convinced I am that these horrible things are incredibly culturally important and I am so excited someone is preserving them... I'd rather go there than ever have to go on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland anyway. The Clown Minstrel thing is just INCREDIBLE and theres something (yes creepy and scary, but) impressive about their faded tawdriness. That place would make a great movie set!

  2. I didn't know you could tour Liberace's basement!

  3. I'm going to have some seriously effed up nightmares now. That is seriously the creepiest crap I've ever seen. Be careful out there!