Day Two : Washington, DC to Roanoke, VA

Mile 98.2 - Back on the road...it's time to see Virginia! In case you hadn't heard, it's for lovers. So Jeff is veryexcited to be reunited with Jesse.

Mile 98.3 - And we're stuck in traffic at Dupont Circle! Jeff wants to know why the "Fruit Loop" is "full of crap" instead of delicious berries and bananas. Jon doesn't have an answer for him.

Mile 98.5 - Boys in Togas are a thing that happening in the center of Dupont Circle, because...uh...why not?

Mile 99.7 - Jon almost perishes in the middle of the streets of Georgetown when he runs to the trunk to retrieve the snacks and the maps.

Mile 100.8 - The Key Bridge! Bye Georgetown and the rest of DC! Bye Hotel Helix! Bye Spy Museum! Bye Segways!



Mile 100.9 - We're lost in Virginia and we've only been here for thirty seconds.

Mile 101.8 - Back on track!

Mile 102.1 - Jeff does some bit about "getting out kicks on Route 66," since we are currently on Route 66. Jon isn't amused and wonders just how many miles it is to Roanoke.

Mile 112.7 - Jeff doesn't want to "do the Helen Keller" (and talk with his hips. Neither does Jon for that matter, but it still doesn't stop him from singing every word to this terrible terrible song.

Mile 116.5 - We pass a sign that announces National Firearms Museum. With a worried look on his face, Jon declares, "And we're in the South."

Mile 132.6 - Berger Cookie Break Time!







(Berger cookies are fudge-on-top-of-a-soft-cookie cookies. They are only made in Baltimore and were purchased for the road trip by Mama and Papa Ru. Thanks guys!)

Mile 133.7 - And we're stuck in traffic once again.

Mile 137.9 - Jeff has his first cowboy sighting of the road trip. We're pretty sure it won't be his last.

Mile 142.7 - Jeff looks out the car and exclaims, "Oooh a ray of sunshine!" Jon says, "Well, Sunday is a day for sun rays." Jeff still doesn't know what this means and he never wants to figure it out, because then he'll have to join Jon in Comedy Jail.

Mile 188.7 - Dolly drives us crazy! Just like the Fine Young Cannibals did so many years ago.



Mile 195.7 - We're going to see the Shenandoah Caverns and An American Celebration on Parade!



Jeff is very excited. Jon remains skeptical and aloof because he's been to the Luray Caverns. The Luray Caverns are just a few minutes away from the Shenandoah Caverns AND they are "the largest and most popular caverns on the east coast. Once you've seen Luray, no other cavern will do really." Or at least that's what Jon thinks one would think if they cared about the size of caverns.

Mile 208.0 - And we've arrived at the Shenandoah Caverns/An American Celebration on Parade.



We haven't even gotten out of the car yet and we're already terrified.

Mile 208.1 - Thank god that disaster is over. We can't get away from the scary scary parade floats fast enough.

Mile 214.0 - Dinner at Southern Kitchen Restaurant in New Market, VA! It was filled with Iceberg lettuce dinner salads, Fried Chicken, and stewed tomatoes.







Burp.

Mile 237.4 - Virginia smells like horse manure. For at least three miles.

Mile 251.9 - Pit stop. Jon gasses up the car and Jeff gasses up himself with Dunkin' Donuts Coffee.



Mile 275.5 - It's time a "Sophisticated Side Ponytail" Sing-A-Long!



Do you like my ponytail?

I DO! I DO!

My sideways ponytail?

IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!

Mile 301.0 - Jon asks Jeff if he knows what spelunkers and lesbians have in common. Jeff doesn't know. Jon explains that "they both like diving into caverns." Jeff put Jon on Death Row in Comedy Jail.

Mile 311.4 - We're in Arcadia! We're Amber Tamblyn?

Mile 319.6 - Amish Oatmeal Whooppie Pie Break!





Mile 331.6 - Jeff and Jon call each other jerks, but only because they are singing this terrible/amazing rap song.

Mile 338.0 - And we've arrived at our destination for the evening -- Roanoke. We're going to try not to become "lost" like that colony tonight. Wish us luck!

I Wish That I was Jesse's uhh...Gurl?

So Jon and I have had a packed day. It's 3 in the morning here in Washington, DC... and I must declare the first day of the Country Fried Road Trip a success.

This may have everything to do with the fact that I have had a thousand drinks over the course of the last few hours.

After picking Jon up, he and I took a tour around DC... on Segways:

Afterward, we had dinner...(and maybe drinks...)


...before heading out to the veryfirst gay bar Jon ever attended...

...where I was assaulted in the bathroom by a few drag queens.

These stories (and more!) will be relayed tomorrow, once we are able to coherently tell such tales.

What we need to discuss tonight, however, is a matter of National Importance.

I met my future husband... and his name is Jesse.


I love him. He's kind of like Stifler from American Pie, only hotter. And way, way dumber.

After Jon's first gay bar (Cobalt) we walked into a bar called JR's...

We weren't there for five minutes before Jesse spotted us. I could tell this kid was trouble from the moment I saw him: mainly because of the way he was stumbling toward us.

He introduced himself (although he made "Jesse" sound like a name with eight syllables, so I had to confirm his moniker later on...) and immediately started swearing at Jon. When Jon sort of just blanched at him, Jesse turned to me and wondered why Jon was being so "ssssssssensitive." His jock appearance coupled with his big flamey homo lisp made him that much more confusing and, sadly, attractive to me.

Of course, he was drunk...
...like REALLY drunk....

...and like all self-respecting drunk frat boys, he immediately inquired: "You wanna fight??"

As he said this, I wasn't sure what he was doing. He certainly didn't sound angry... so was he flirting? He was also making this gesture:

Of course, I had no idea what the hell he was doing. Mainly because he's a drunk maniac. Did I mention he was hot?

Because seriously...he was super-hot.

Anyway, turns out, Jesse wanted to Arm Wrestle. Because who doesn't love to Arm Wrestle. At a bar. On a Saturday night at 1 in the morning? It seems as though Jon certainly loves to arm wrestle!


When it became clear that Jesse was somehow getting drunker, despite not having had any drinks since he began to harass us, I asked for a photo of him with Jon...a concept he quite obviously misunderstood:
...as he tried to take some of his own. With is invisible camera.


After I giggled at his hot stupidity for a while, it became clear that it was my turn to arm-wrestle him:

For the record, I let him win--although I'm not sure if he noticed that he won at all, as he was too busy pointing his finger emphatically for several minutes at a time before wondering aloud, "What?"--as if someone had just said something to him, but he was unable to hear it. I told him "It must be tough being pretty. " He concurred.

As I was wrestling with Jesse, Jon was busy fighting off a boy named JR who had a crush on him. Luckily, Jesse was there to be his knight in shining armor by kicking this guy's ass...


...also in arm wrestling.

The bottom line here is that Jesse and I are going to be married by Elvis when we go to Graceland. And I'm not just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails.

...

ok, maybe I am just saying that because it's 3AM and I've had some cocktails. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE? WANNA FIGHT??